In my dreams...

I read this to my dad a long time ago, and recently re-found it in his "Miscellaneous File".   We got a kick out of it, both being carpenters.

Handyman Heaven

Missing socks go to Sock Heaven.  All good dogs go to Dog Heaven. Good handymen go, of course, to Handyman Heaven In Handyman Heaven, everybody has their own shop.  It's a perfectly lit 50-car space, and there is no need for heat or cooling, because every day is perfect for fixing things.

There are no extension cords, because 110 amp 220-volt outlets are no more than two feet away, even on the job site.  The 1,000 amp breaker box, shower, sink toilet, design console, desk, computer, and a phone were all built and installed by the handyman himself.

The shop also houses antique cars, boats and airplanes, all finished to perfection.  The handyman also poured the foundation and floor, which is feather soft and doesn't hurt his feet because it is the latest concrete/goose down composite.  The walls are made from windows and skylights to let in the heavenly light and gentle breezes.

In Handyman Heaven, all the state-of-the-art tools are on the right, and the materials, delivered yesterday for free, are on the left. Of course, the shop layout changes effortlessly and at a whim.  If he wants to build a wall - the construction necessities are right by the door.  If he wants to make a jewelry box, exotic hardwoods and precision woodworking tools are right there.  Nothing is more than an arm's length away.  there is always one clamp more than needed.  Everything always has a place and is in its place.

The handyman, of course, built those places himself.  No more junk stashed in empty paint buckets, although there are plenty to sit on.

In the house that the handyman designed and built, drywall dust evaporates.  It never falls on the impregnable finish he applied minutes ago to his flawlessly inlaid rosewood and ivory floor.

Materials estimates are absolutely precise, so there are no scraps to haul.  Stray hammer and saw marks just don't happen, and finish flows perfectly.  Grass grows only because you want to smell it as you cut it, and flowers are beautiful and part of the 50-acre garden's tasteful design.  Weeds are only for the earthly folks.

Handyman Heaven's best feature is actually need.  Everything needs fixing, but that's OK, because the handyman can use his incredible knowledge to fix it.  Or he can look it up when he wants to in his 10-room mahogany paneled library, at his leisure, with freshly brewed coffee just waiting to be poured.

His wife always adores his work and generously reward him with his favorite pies from the self-cleaning kitchen that he built for her.

Others appreciate him, too.  Even though he has his own, the neighbor handy man angel always comes by to borrow the 400-foot ladder or the 400 amp table saw.  The visit always evolves into a bull session. They share plenty of great power tips for the hot rods they designed, and the best new jokes which they made up, too.

And that's OK too.  Even though the work isn't getting done, in Handyman Heaven, there is always plenty of time for everything.

Citation:

From March 1997 issue of Popular Woodworking, p. 72, "Out of the Woodwork" by Chuck Kubin. Accessed via Dad's Miscellaneous File.